seananmcguire

jadedanddark

Humans and cats

The fastest way to get someone to be your friend is to ask them about their cat.

No, really.

Humans will go on for days about the tiny predators that live in their houses, they give them names and assign personalities, they love to show off wounds the cats have inflicted on them, they will whip out hundreds of pictures that may all look the same to you but I promise, even a modicum of appreciation will garner you the friendship you seek.

Once asked, the question is understood to be permanently on the table, and your human friend will give you cat updates from time to time. Nod and appreciate them. When the cat dies, the human will deeply mourn, so best to offer what comfort you can as if sympathizing over a deceased family member.

This will win you the human’s trust forever.

candytencandy

This is honestly very true

The truest

brightlotusmoon

This is literally how my husband and I became friends. It was the end of the 90s, a mutual friend was dating his best friend (she and I were in NY in college, my now husband lived in MD) and my friend decided to set us up over email and AIM (remember AIM??) And then she called him and gave me the phone. And our very first conversation was about our cats. And our voices both took on that unique soft high lilt that happens around cats. We spent hours talking about cats. Later in 99 we were dating long distance and when I graduated in 2001 (BA in Creative Writing) I moved down to live with him, and later we rescued a kitten.

naamahdarling

This is for real my go-to tactic when I need to engage the attention of a stranger/person I know but not well for a longer period of time.

It works incredibly well. I’m not always great at social stuff, you see, and this is like a 100% effective hack to get people to talk about positive, funny things for a *long long time* with relatively little chance of anything horribly awkward coming up. Then they have fluffy feelings for me, and I can ask about their pets next time I see them.

Also works wonders ON me. If I’m having a panic attack, talk to me about my asshole cats. It helps SO MUCH. It’s hard to keep spiraling when you’re talking about the time your cat fell into the garbage.

Source: jadedanddark

spaceboibunny

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses

i spent christmas alone while my family got together and fought, and honestly i feel so good about this

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses

i bought myself presents, cooked a big meal, drank wine and watched Home Alone 3 w/ my dog. I don’t feel sorry for myself at all.

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses

meanwhile my sister threatened to disown my dad so he threatened to disown her, while my mom enabled and my other sister downed a bottle of wine to deal.

on the other side of the country, i was busy discovering, to my delight, that the that the 3rd installment of the Home Alone franchise not only stood up to the test of time, but contains some of the best oneliners and comedic timing I have ever seen.

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses

honestly, keep toxic people out of your life. family isn’t everything, and bad family is often worse than no family. don’t be afraid to put in some distance, especially during high stress times like the holidays. you don’t actually owe them anything.

being alone for the holidays is so much better than being with people who make you unhappy.

Source: biggest-gaudiest-patronuses

lily-katie

cacen

so at the bar in which I work, there’s an unofficial rule that all of our door staff must have names that start with D or rhyme with ‘doorman’, which has led to me befriending a trio of six foot four men with beards called Doorman Logan, Doorman Drew, and Doorman Dan.

now, let me tell you now that Doorman Dan is the absolute love of my life. I don’t care that he’s a decade older than me and has a fiance. you know when someone is so extraordinary or impossible to define that they’re simply referred to as ‘a character’? that’s Doorman Dan. now, before I get into his personality, let’s describe his appearance. imagine the most stereotypical Scandinavian person ever: tall, white-blond, strong-jawed. now, add a heavy South Walian accent and an orange jumper.

that’s Doorman Dan.

since meeting him last year, I’ve discovered:

he once had a dream that he had a tattoo that said ‘shit happens’ on his left arsecheek, so when he woke up he decided he had to fulfil the prophecy and got it tattooed on his arse by a bloke called Junkie Jeff at 9AM
he forgot to call his girlfriend for three months while he was in the army, and was completely unaware they had broken up until he wished her a happy Christmas and she responded with ‘what the fuck Dan’
accidentally married his army buddy in Vegas for thirty-six hours
he saw someone beating up a guy for being gay, and instead of jumping in and fighting back he decided to get absolutely bollock-naked and stand in front of the homophobe until he got freaked out and ran off
he has a millionare buddy who rings him up once a month for ‘mystery adventures’, one of which has resulted in Doorman Dan no longer being allowed inside any John Lewis shops
he is convinced the love of his life is not his fiancee, but a man named Ned. upon being asked who Ned is, he shrugged and responded with: “I’ll know when I meet him.”
he runs an Instagram account dedicated to his pet rabbits and refuses to let people into the bar unless they follow him
his fiancee booked a wedding venue before he even proposed. “I don’t even know if I’m invited, truth be told.”
when he caught a couple having sex in our loos, he didn’t want to intrude so he just gently knocked on the door and asked if they’d like a snack
he has created his own non-alcoholic cocktail called Doorman’s Sunrise because he feels left out being the only person on the dance floor without a drink when he’s patrolling the bar

I could honestly write a ten-season sitcom about him

Source: cacen

vaspider

fozzie

the 2 kinds of jews according to gentile creators:

1. follows all the “rules” this particular creator knows about (keeping kosher, going to synagogue every week, possibly awkwardly incorporating yiddish into english speech)

or

2. had a bar/bat mitzvah and then never interacted with their faith or culture ever again

libhobn

The second type is really more like “publicly celebrates Hanukkah during the requisite ~~Christmas~~ Holiday Special and never speaks of Jewishness again”

Source: fozzie

anpcinyourstory

the-s-s-anna the-s-s-anna

I wanna tell you guys a story,

Not too long ago, my friend Bella came out as aromantic to me, and now I’ve got some things to say.

I was the one who told her what aromantic means, because I was explaining different sexual orientations to her. I remember saying, “Asexualiy is when you have romantic attraction, but no sexual attraction.”

Bella immedently, without missing a beat, asked, “Is there an opposite to that?”

I asked what she meant, and she asked if there was a term for sexual attraction but no romantic attraction. I told her about aromantics. She got weirdly quiet, then excused herself.

Not two weeks later I was heading to my boat. I was supposed to meet Bella and another one of our muteral friends there for a day of fishing.

As soon as I was in earshot, I saw Bella storming off the boat, and our other friend standing there like an idiot. Boi had no idea what was happening.

Anyway, Bella isn’t looking where she’s going and walks smack dab into me. That’s when I realized she was crying. Puffy red eyes, wet cheeks, the whole nine yards… And if you know anything about Bells, she does not cry. Ever.

She’s been through some serious crap in her life, and she does not cry. She’s tough as nails. Bella has a steel core. She does not not cry. I’ve seen her fall off a roof and break her arm before, not a single tear. I can’t stress this enough, Bella. Doesn’t. Cry.

So seeing her in tears shook me. I took her by the shoulders and escorted her somewhere more private where we could talk. We ended up in the women’s restroom, which was weird as fuck for me, because haven’t been in a woman’s rest room for years. Luckily it was empty, and I’m realistic, I know I don’t pass so well, so I don’t think anyone would have said anything anyway.

Before I can even ask her what’s wrong she hugs me around my middle and burys her face in my hoodie. Then, in a voice I can only describe as traumatized, she says, “I think I’m broken.”

I’ve never seen her in so much pain, and Bella and I are CLOSE. She’s one of my dearest friends. She’s like my little sister, but if she’s like my sister, our other muteral friend is like her twin. He and Bella have know each other WAY longer, they’re practically inseparable. They come as a pair. They’re a duo. They’re a package deal.

Appearently, said muteral friend asked Bella out and forcefully kissed her. She shoved him off, and told him she’s aromantic, which she only recently figured out. She wasn’t ready to be out, but this muteral friend left her no choice. She tried telling him no, and he didn’t listen. Bella saw no other option.

Quote on quote, this is what he said to Bella. “That’s okay. You just haven’t dated me yet. We’ve been like, unofficially together for years. You’re probably just freaked out that it’s finally going somewhere.”

After that I’m not 100% clear on what happened, but apparently Bella kept saying no Nd trying to explain herself, but he kept insisting he could ‘fix her.’

Eventudally she started crying and stormed away. That’s when I found her.

Keep in mind, this was her first experience coming out, and her best, closest friend insisted he could fix her and forcefully kissed her. I found out later he also implied corrective rape would ‘solve the problem.’

Bella was traumatized. She’s still traumatized. I tried to make her feel better by buying her an aro pride shirt, and taking her go a local LGBTQ+ hang out. I wanted her to be around like minded people, so she could see she wasn’t broken, and her identity deserved to be respected.

Instead of a warm, welcoming environment… The first thing someone said to her was, “This place is for REAL lgbt people. You don’t belong here.” He also implied she wasn’t human.

Just think about that for a minute. Her first experiences with being an out aromantic have been limited to;

A person she trusted more than anyone forcing himself upon her, claiming she was ill, and needed to be fixed. (Raped.)
Sobbing in my arms in the women’s restroom because she thought she was broken and defective.
Being told she wasn’t welcomed in LGBTQ+ spaces and called inhuman.

This isn’t what I want for her. Bella deserves better than this. She needs a support system, not all this crap. I’ve spent the past week trying to undo all the damage exclusionists, arophobes, and people she trusted did.

Aromantics and asexuals belong in the LGBTQ+ community. You literally cannot change my mind.

akamine-chan

Did I already queue this? Dunno. But let me say that I’ve never stood by while gatekeepers try to well, gatekeep.

I didn’t put up with it as a teenager really into sci-fi, I didn’t put up with it from the dude bros in game and comic shops, and I certainly won’t stand for it in my LGBT+ community.

Aces and aros are welcome in my community.

nylaporp

You bet your ass that aces and aros are allowed here. And you can fight me if you don’t agree.

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

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Humans and cats

I wanna tell you guys a story,